Mom

Mom and I at my wedding.

So, I looked back and realized I never mention anything about my Mom having breast cancer. I think I was avoiding it and ignoring it in hopes that it would go away, but of course, it didn't.  I has been about a year and a half since my Mom left us, so a lot of the details are a bit hazy and I might be slightly inaccurate. But I feel it is important for me to record it as well as I can anyway.

Just before my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.

My Mom had been diagnosed with breast cancer in fall 2010. When she told me on the phone I was walking along my route to school. I was shocked and scared for my Mom and my whole family. Eight of my siblings still lived at home, the youngest being almost 3 years old at the time. 

After much prayerful consideration, she declined chemotherapy, choosing to try alternative treatments instead. She remained positive and diligently researched alternatives. She tried to live as healthy as possible. She did fairly well for a couple years, but her tumor grew. It was easy to forget she was sick, even though we spoke of it when we talked or visited, she continued to make life seem so normal. It may have been a little more obvious to my family still living at home, since they would see her regularly go to appointments for her assorted treatments. 

Also during this time, things got pretty bad financially (I'm not sure that it had much to do with my Mother's sickness) and my parents had to sell their house and move to a tiny 3 bedroom modular home they owned in Red Mesa, 11 miles away. It was a very stressful for my Mom, they had so much stuff! We visited them at their new home that summer on our move to Florida. They had settled in well enough, but a lot had to stay in storage. 

When ever I spoke with my Mom on the phone she would tell me about what she was doing and what she had learned. I stayed open to her ideas and trusted in her decision, as she said she and my Dad prayed and fasted often about the matter. However, as time went on she became more closed about her battle with cancer and everything associated, because of the criticism from friends and family about her choices. But she always remained positive and hopeful about her recovery. 

When we came to spend Christmas with them in 2012, we were surprised to find that my Mom's tumor was so large she would roll a hand towel up and tie it under her arm to keep it from pressing on the tumor. Her demeanor was otherwise very good. So I tried to stay positive, but I was a little scared by the state of her tumor. But she was reassuring us that she would be flying out for a new kind of treatment the week after we left. We went back home after Christmas and back to our everyday lives. Also, the treatment didn't make her feel very good. From my very limited knowledge, it was starting to sound a little like what chemo feels like (i.e. throwing up). I think she ended up needing to stay for treatment longer than expected and so my Dad flew out to be with her. Eventually she came back home. I'm a little uncertain about the timeline here. 

Caitlin, me, and Mom (L to R), Christmas time. (the last time I saw her looking well)

I called my Mom every so often and she began to sound more tired and out of breath. But she always was positive, so I trusted things were fine. After a time, I started getting calls from my Aunts and Uncles. They  had been to see my Mom and were very worried about her refusal of conventional treatments and wanted me to talk to my parents about it. They were hoping that maybe I would get through to my parents, where they hadn't been able to. 

My Aunt Jen called and told me how my Mom was when she had visited so I could be aware of the situation. I was alarmed to hear from my Aunt about how bad my Mom had become. My perception from talking to my Mom was that she just needed an extra nap every day. I had just been ignorantly continuing on my merry way, living my life and thinking all was fairly well at home!

I called my Dad and asked him about Mom's health. He told me they were doing fine and he was positive she would get better. He told me that my Mom's body was just working the sickness out and then she would recover. So, I let it go and I told him to let me know if I should come to see her if he felt things were bad. He called me a few days later and told me to come. He admitted that Mom really wasn't doing well, she slept a lot and couldn't get up on her own anymore. He had stopped going to work and one of his guys be in charge while he was away. He had to help her to the bathroom. She now spent her days in the reclining arm chair. She even slept in the chair instead of their bed and Dad slept on the couch near her. He had been told that she didn't have very long to live. The (hospice?) nurse that was coming to give her medication now said that she had seen this before and in her experience, she thought Mom would continue to decline rapidly. 

So I bought a ticket and flew out to Colorado with Caden after Jennifer and Tim's visit to our home. We were arrived Saturday and flew back late Tuesday, not very long. Nate needed to be back to work Wednesday and we didn't have a babysitter available. But I'm glad I had the time that I did.

Caden with me at the airport.

My Dad picked us up at the airport. He was very thin and looked tired.

 The family was happy to see Caden. Here, his little Aunts (my sisters) showed him the kittens.

My Mom was on oxygen and her left arm had swollen from the tumor on her left side, the rest of her looked wasted away. It was hard to see her that way. Her body smelled like decay, at least around the tumor. My Dad changed her bandage every day. But the flies would plague her so she had to have a flyswatter on hand.

Caden with Aunt Jennifer.

All my Aunts were already there when we arrived helping take care of the family. It was so good to have them there.

Aunt Stephanie helped Caden try out the Trampoline.

Mom came outside with the family for a little while to visit and to watch the young ones play.

Lindsey made a scavenger hunt with Andrew's help.

It was also sad to see how everyone was handling the situation, my little sisters in particular. 

On Tuesday, Caden and I went home. 

12 days later, my Dad called me to tell me my Mom had passed away in her sleep early that morning (it was also my brother Spencer's birthday). My brother Chris had arrived the night before, in time to see her. I think my dad and she knew she was going to go and each of the kids at home had a chance to say goodbye.  

After nearly 3 years fighting breast cancer, Mom passed away at the age of 49.

I flew out alone for the funeral (Caden stayed home because he really limited my ability to help out, he had wanted me to hold him most of the time). I was able to stay 5 days this time. It was a blur of seeing and spending time with family and of preparing for the funeral. Dad wanted to make her casket himself, rather than buy one. A friend from church let him use his carpentry shop and helped him to build it. He wanted to leave it unstained and let everyone write messages or draw on it as they chose.

Three little chicks hatched for our enjoyment.

Lindsey loved them. I think we named them "Blackie," "Spot," and "Bender."

Bender had a bum leg and died after a few days.

Emily and I enjoying the kitten named "Silver Mist." :)

The memorial service was very nice. My Grandpa and my uncles spoke. Also Andrew, Chris, and I spoke. My Aunts sang their a cappella rendition of "Abide With Me" and allowed me to take my mother's place singing with them. 

We buried her next to Maude (her mother) and Sara Lee (my sister who died in the womb). My Aunts also sang at her burial. Our good friend and neighbor Jackie is signing the casket in the picture.

My cousin Stephen (one of my many favorites) and me at the burial.

During my visit we went through old boxes of photos and looked at pictures of my Mom. Later more showed up on Facebook as people heard about my Mom's passing.

She was so beautiful, inside and out! I miss her.

I was worried about my family being without her. I had my Mother as I grew up and I was so sad to imagine my siblings grow up with out her! I was also heartbroken for my Dad to be with out her.

 When I got home, I needed to sit with all my boys and hold them tight.